Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
