my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
