if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
The ass gains better be worth it
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
