I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
