2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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