Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
