how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
