I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
