I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
