Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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