Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
