so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
