It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
