Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
