i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
