I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I think your dad took our porno
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
