And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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