How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
