Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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