Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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