i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
