So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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