i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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