Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
