i don't like sucking hair
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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