He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
