I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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