his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
