I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
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I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
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And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
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