I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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