When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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