fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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