when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
