just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
