why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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