my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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