she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
