i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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