Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
