And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
she peed on how many people?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
