Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
