Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
