remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
