Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
