i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
