I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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