I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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