he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
