Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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