I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You can't motorboat a personality
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
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