Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
you didnt know i had herpes?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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